


The Inflatable Alien Recuperation Platform Gambit

by bakedpotatocat



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cuddling, Happy Ending, Jesus prepare yourself theres a lot of angst, Melodrama, Multi, Near-Naked Wrestling, Yelling, air mattress, ambiguous quadrants, bait-and-switch, pesterlog fic, pre-polyamory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-23
Updated: 2019-06-23
Packaged: 2020-05-16 20:20:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19325395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bakedpotatocat/pseuds/bakedpotatocat
Summary: Equius in particular seems... lonely on Earth C. Stowed away in a mountain hive, the only person he actively talks to is Nepeta. Karkat drags Vriska along with him on a mission to make sure that Equius is less isolated, and after a day's worth of trying, he pulls out his ultimate weapon; an air mattress. Will Karkat and Vriska be able to rescue Equius from himself? Will the three of them face their problems head-on for once in their lives? Does being an adult actually change anything about the person you are? FIND OUT NEXT TIME, ON POLYSWAP Z KAI!





	The Inflatable Alien Recuperation Platform Gambit

**Author's Note:**

  * For [vriska4laifu](https://archiveofourown.org/users/vriska4laifu/gifts).



Karkat lays sprawled out on the ‘air mattress’ (read: inflatable alien recuperation platform) that he brought along with him. Vriska and Equius stare blankly at him, then look at each other, then back at Karkat.

EQUIUS: I’m sorry  
EQUIUS: What is the purpose of such a device  
VRISKA: Sorry, Karkat, 8ut despite the fact that you dragged me here, and I, despite the milk loser’s pathetic attempts at conversation, had a gr8 time, I have to get home.  
KARKAT: AND DO WHAT EXACTLY.  
VRISKA: Very. impoooooooortant. things.  
KARKAT: I DON’T BUY IT SERKET.  
VRISKA: What? I have… commitments.  
KARKAT: USUALLY WHEN YOU HAVE IRONS IN THE FIRE YOU ARE VERY SPECIFIC ABOUT RUBBING THEM IN MY FACE.  
VRISKA: Equius please help me here  
VRISKA: You can vouch for me right????????  
EQUIUS: I am still waiting on the answer as regarding the purpose of the inflatable alien recuperation platform  
KARKAT: THE POINT, NOOKSNIFFERS, IS FOR YOU TWO TO GET ON IT WITH ME AND WE ALL FALL ASLEEP IN EACH OTHERS ARMS.  
EQUIUS: This sounds  
EQUIUS: highly unorthodox  
EQUIUS: and very lewd  
EQUIUS: In many circles this would be considered a breaking of my moirallegiance with Nepeta  
KARKAT: I GOT THE OK FROM NEPETA.  
KARKAT: IN FACT I CAN SHOW THE TEXT SHE SENT ME. IT READS, AND I QUOTE,

Karkat pitches his voice up slightly, adding a slight twang, to form his best Nepeta impression. 

NEPETA: come on equikitty don’t be a stuck up a little physical touch is good fur you! i kmeow your going insane all alone up in those mountains meow that aurthor isn’t around. you n33d to talk to (and touch) people other than me it isn’t healthy fur you to be all alone up there! karkitty is very trustworthy and he wants the best fur you and vwiskers. <> nepeta, ur one and only moirail.

KARKAT: DO YOU HEAR THAT, YOU SWEATY OVERSIZED TROLLGRUB? YOU ARE LEGALLY REQUIRED, BY *FUCKING* MOIRAIL DECREE, TO GET DOWN HERE AND CUDDLE ME.  
EQUIUS: Firstly, I am not required by any samesuch laws to do anything. Even Nepeta, my most precious meowrail herself, could not compel me on sheer force of will alone  
EQUIUS: Perhaps I could be cajoled, or bewitched, or defrauded, but by no means can I be yelled at into submission  
EQUIUS: Even with Nepeta’s permission I will not profane our most sacred method of bonding by engaging in the likes of you two in it  
EQUIUS: Much less on this lowbrow human sleeping platform, which is too pliant a surface to do such important activities on  
KARKAT: WHAT ON EARTH C ARE YOU BLATHERING ON ABOUT.  
VRISKA: Karkat, are we really sure we want the answer to that????????  
EQUIUS: I am referring to that most sacred highb100d institution  
EQUIUS: That ancient art that precedes all others, that holds the troll form in it’s splendid perfection and highest achievement as the art above all else. That rejoices in its splendor, in the hearty spirit of competition, that waxes beauteous on the manners of combat and love alike.  
EQUIUS: I am talking, of course, about the nearly-naked wrestling match  
KARKAT: OKAY, EW, NO. WE ARE DEFINITELY NOT EVEN NORMAL WRESTLING. THAT IS SOMETHING THAT YOU AND NEPETA CAN BOTH RESERVE TO YOUR MOIRALLEGIANCE. NO, I MOST DEFINITELY DO NOT WANT THAT. CUDDLING IS LIKE. HOLDING YOUR BRO WITH THE UTMOST CARE AND RESPECT. MAKING SURE HE KNOWS YOU CARE ABOUT HIM. WRAPPING HIM UP ALL SAFE AND TIGHT IN YOUR ARMS SO THAT NO ONE CAN HURT HIM.

A certain glint has enraptured Karkat’s eyes. Perhaps that of a madman, or revolutionary, or fanatic, those which possess an undying certainty of what they believe in. Karkat, of course, believes in cuddling. Vriska and Equius look perturbed. 

VRISKA: I dunno, Karkat, this seems awfully palerom to me  
VRISKA: Even if Nepeta said it was okay that doesn’t mean that Kanaya did!  
VRISKA: We might not 8e romantically involved anymore 8ut that doesn’t mean that I’m gonna help you cheat on Mrs. Fussyfangs!!!!!!!!  
KARKAT: TRUST ME, VRISKA, KANAYA CARES ABOUT YOU TOO.  
KARKAT: WHICH IS WHY SHE GAVE ME THE OKAY TO DO THIS.  
KARKAT: BOTH OF YOU NOOKSNIFFERS ARE SO HORRIFICALLY ISOLATED THAT ‘FUSSYFANGS’ AND ME ALIKE ARE WORRIED TO HELL.  
KARKAT: DESPITE OUR UPBRINGING, THE DANCESTOR BULLSHIT PROVED TO ME THAT EVEN BORDERLINE PSYCHOPATHS AND OUTRIGHT ASSHOLES SUCH AS YOURSELVES NEED ATTENTION AND AFFECTION TO NOT HAVE YOUR THINKPANS TURN INTO A PRIMATE FRUIT SLURRY.  
KARKAT: WHICH IS WHY, AS THE ONLY ONE WITH THE TIME, ENERGY, AND INCLINATION TO GIVE A SHIT ABOUT EITHER OF YOU, AND AS YOUR FORMER BUT NOT OFFICIALLY RETIRED LEADER, I AM ORDERING YOUR ASSES ONTO THIS HUMAN INFLATABLE RECLINING CUSHION.  
VRISKA: Awwwwwwww, Karkles, you do care about us.  
KARKAT: DON’T PUSH YOUR LUCK, SERKET. JUST BECAUSE BOTH THE HUMAN STRIDER -   
EQUIUS: I do not believe there is any other kind  
KARKAT: SHUT THE FUCK UP.  
EQUIUS: Actually I am fairly certain that there are two human Striders and as such it is not particularly illuminating as to which you are referring when you say the human Strider  
EQUIUS: It would behoove you to be more clear in the future  
KARKAT: USE SOME FUCKING CONTEXT JEGUS.  
KARKAT: WHEN HAVE I EVER SAID A WORD ABOUT DIRK.  
EQUIUS: He is very much deserving of a great many words. The man has a number of interests aligned with mine, despite his penchant for orange. The amount of both mechanical and computational complexity held within a single one of his hoofbeastbots is a sight to behold and it should be beheld and given its proper respect  
KARKAT: ONCE MORE,  
KARKAT: SHUT THE FUCK UP.  
KARKAT: OBVIOUSLY I AM TALKING ABOUT DAVE WHEN I SAY THE HUMAN STRIDER.  
VRISKA: Well duh you two are hanging off each other constantly it's almost sickening  
KARKAT: JUST BECAUSE BOTH THE HUMAN STRIDER AND I NEED CONSTANT PHYSICAL REMINDERS OF LOVE OR PITY OR WHATEVER TO NOT HAVE OUR THINKPANS TUMBLE PRECIPITOUSLY DOWN A WELL OF SELF-HATRED DOES NOT MEAN THAT I AM DOING THIS FOR ANYTHING OTHER THAN YOUR OWN BENEFIT.  
EQUIUS: It would seem to be apparent that you are, in fact, demanding we cuddle you for your own self-benefit  
KARKAT: NO.  
EQUIUS: Yes  
KARKAT: NO.  
EQUIUS: Yes  
KARKAT: NO.  
VRISKA: yessssssss  
KARKAT: SHUT UP SLUTS.  
KARKAT: GET DOWN HERE AND FUCKING CUDDLE ME.  
VRISKA: Fiiiiiiiine.  
VRISKA: Come on Equius, aren’t you going to join us?  
VRISKA: I figure with you on the other side we can smoosh him enough to shut him up.  
EQUIUS: I will not  
EQUIUS: This is highly irregular  
EQUIUS: And certainly not befitting of a proper member of troll society  
VRISKA: Jegus will you stop that shit already?  
VRISKA: Troll society has 8een fucking gone. Annihil8d. Destroyed. Ripped out at the roots and torn to shreds.  
VRISKA: Theres a little 8it of new troll society 8ut it certainly doesn’t align to your arch8ic fucking ideals you dum8ass!!!!!!!!  
KARKAT: (YOU TELL HIM VRISKA)  
VRISKA: Shut up and continue being muffled.  
EQUIUS: Troll society may be gone but that is why I must stick to its principles. To preserve it for future highb100ds  
VRISKA: AGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!  
VRISKA: GOD THIS 8S WHY NO ONE TALKS TO YOU  
VRISKA: The fucking principles of fucking TROLL SOCIETY is what alm8st destroyed the universe in the first place! VRISKA: It’s wh8t got you and me fucking KILLED!!!!!!!!  
VRISKA: It’s why I have to 8e a t8rri8le person with hundreds of fucking cold8looded murders on my hands!  
VRISKA: Troll s8ciety SUCKED.  
VRISKA: The hemospectrum was 8ULLSHIT.  
VRISKA: Karkat r8ght here, 8y your stupid fucking principles, would have 8een dead sweeps 8efore he managed to co88le our asses into a team, and we all would 8e fucking triple d8ad!!!!!!!!  
VRISKA: No repeats, no do-overs, no stupid fucking SGRU8 or the dream8u88les, no fucking coming 8ack to life in a 8lissful utopia that you w8n’t get out of the house to experience!  
VRISKA: Nepeta and I are the only ones that even 8other with you anymore 8ecause we’re the only ones th8t can put up with your shit!  
VRISKA: Karkat dragged me up here to see if your dum8 ass was worth trying t8 save from yourself 8ecause he’s may8e one 8f the few of us that is actually a good person!  
VRISKA: SO YOU CAN EITHER SHUT UP, APOL8GIZE, AND GET ON THE FUCKING AIR MATTRESS, OR Y8U CAN CONSIDER YOURSELF DEAD TO US.

Equius looks devastated, his entire worldview turned upside down and revealed for the toxic cesspit that it is.

KARKAT: WOW  
KARKAT: THAT WAS  
KARKAT: A RANT  
KARKAT: UMMM  
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO ADD  
KARKAT: REALLY  
KARKAT: OTHER THAN WE CARE ABOUT YOU  
KARKAT: AND THAT VRISKA IS KIND OF A BITCH BUT SHE WOULDN’T BOTHER SAYING ALL THAT STUFF IF SHE DIDN’T WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY AND A BETTER PERSON  
EQUIUS: I  
EQUIUS: I don’t know what to say  
EQUIUS: I feel like I should be offended  
EQUIUS: But  
EQUIUS: Mostly I’m  
EQUIUS: Sad  
EQUIUS: Disappointed in myself  
EQUIUS: I hold myself to such high standards and it turns out that I’m just a waste of space  
KARKAT: NO, MAN.  
KARKAT: THAT’S NOT WHAT WE MEAN  
KARKAT: YOU AREN'T REALLY THAT BAD A GUY  
KARKAT: WEIRD, YEAH, BUT LIKE WHICH ONE OF US IS ‘NORMAL’ BY ANY CONCEIVABLE METRIC  
KARKAT: JUST  
KARKAT: WE WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY  
KARKAT: AND INSTEAD YOU DO ALL THIS SELF DESTRUCTIVE STUFF BECAUSE  
KARKAT: FUCK I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY  
KARKAT: YOU LET GAMZEE KILL YOU!  
EQUIUS: It was my duty. I thought  
EQUIUS: I thought the blood of a highb100d would quench his thirst  
KARKAT: THAT’S NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE!  
KARKAT: I SHOULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING  
KARKAT: FUCK I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT  
KARKAT: MAYBE SHOOSH-PAPPED HIM  
KARKAT: GAMZEE’S A MESS  
KARKAT: HE’S STILL LOCKED IN THAT FRIDGE  
KARKAT: I MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO SAVE HIM BUT MAYBE  
KARKAT: SINCE WE’VE GOT A SECOND CHANCE  
KARKAT: I CAN MAYBE SAVE YOU

Tears well up in Karkat’s eyes. A long note of silence plays. It hangs in the air as Equius processes what has been said. He starts to say something, and stops, and then starts again, but the words catch in his throat.

VRISKA: Just let us help, Equius. Even Nepeta says that you’ve 8een doing worse and talking to her less.  
VRISKA: It’s okay to need a hand.  
VRISKA: What are friends for?  
VRISKA: That’s what we are.  
VRISKA: Your friends.  
VRISKA: Just let us in.  
VRISKA: It’s okay.  
VRISKA: Karkat may 8e a giant weenie 8ut I’ll mutil8 anyone that so much as looks at either of you wrong.  
KARKAT: *SNIFF*  
KARKAT: YOU STUPID FUCKING BITCH.  
KARKAT: YOU COULDN’T EVEN RESIST MAKING FUN OF ME.  
KARKAT: *SNIFF*  
KARKAT: HEH.  
KARKAT: COME ON EQUIUS.  
KARKAT: GIVE ME A FUCKING HUG.

Equius, in all the awkwardness of an adult man that has never initiated a hug before, shuffles onto the end of the air mattress, across from the now-upright Karkat and Vriska. He looks at them warily, and then casts his eyes down.

EQUIUS: I’m afraid that I’ll hurt you. By mistake. Unfortunately, I am much too STRONG to not crush everything I touch  
KARKAT: HOW MANY TIMES IN HOW MANY TIMELINES HAVE THE THREE OF US DIED?  
KARKAT: IF BEING CRUSHED TO DEATH IN A SWEATY MAN CHILD'S ARMS IS MY ULTIMATE, MOST NOBLE END, IF THAT IS THE LAST CRUEL MASTERSTROKE OF THE MACHINATIONS OF PARADOX SPACE UNTO THE ABYSS OF DESPONDENCE THAT COULD BE CALLED MY LIFE, THEN SO BE IT.  
VRISKA: You are soooooooo melodramatic.  
KARKAT: POT. KETTLE. BLACK.  
KARKAT: BOTH OF YOU IDIOTS SHUT UP AND HUG ME.  
KARKAT: IT'S YOUR FAULT I’M SAD.  
VRISKA: No I think its 8ecause you’re a giant fucking wuss, may8e even more than Tavros, like I can’t –  
EQUIUS: Okay

Equius cuts the pair’s brewing argument off as his arms trap them in a massive bear hug. His breath hitches, releases, and hitches again. It is obvious he is choking back tears. Karkat pats his back gently as Vriska tolerates the affection

KARKAT: IT’S OK, EQUIUS.  
KARKAT: WOW, YOU WEREN'T KIDDING ABOUT BEING STRONG.  
KARKAT: IT'S ALMOST  
VRISKA: Kinda nice.  
VRISKA: Comforting.  
EQUIUS: Nepeta is an excellent tutor  
EQUIUS: Although I’m not quite sure that this isn’t betraying my commitment to her  
KARKAT: LOOK  
KARKAT: (GOD I CAN’T EVEN COME UP WITH A GOOD INSULT RIGHT NOW THIS IS TOO NICE. DAVE WAS RIGHT, MAYBE I DO NEED AFFECTION TO LIVE.)  
VRISKA: Soooooooorry Karkles, did I just hear some sappy 8ullshit?  
KARKAT: SHUT UP.  
KARKAT: EQUIUS, YOU AREN’T, LIKE, PALESLUTTING AROUND. THIS IS JUST A SLIGHTLY MORE INTIMATE FORM OF AFFECTION THAT FRIENDS DO. I’VE BEEN ASSURED BY SOME REPUTABLE SOURCES THAT IN SEVERAL HUMAN CULTURES IT WAS QUITE NORMAL TO EVEN MAKE OUT WITH YOUR FRIENDS A LITTLE BIT.  
VRISKA: Jegus, am I glad I’m not a stupid alien. That sounds awful.  
EQUIUS: Agreed   
KARKAT: FRANKLY,  
KARKAT: SAME.  
KARKAT: THE RHETORICAL POINT STANDS.  
KARKAT: THIS ISN’T ROMANTIC, BUT WE ALL NEED SOME PHYSICAL AFFECTION AND WHAT ARE FRIENDS FOR?  
KARKAT: ASIDE FROM RANTING AT YOU ABOUT YOUR FLAWS.  
KARKAT: IF WE WANT TO CHANGE THE RULES FOR PALEROM OR DELVE INTO WHATEVER THE FUCK KIND OF WEIRD BLACKFLIRTING VRISKA WAS DOING EARLIER  
VRISKA: I was not!!!!!!!!  
KARKAT: WHATEVER  
KARKAT: THEN WE CAN LOOK INTO IT.  
KARKAT: BUT NOT TONIGHT.  
KARKAT: BECAUSE I THINK WE ALL NEEDED THIS.  
KARKAT: RIGHT?  
VRISKA: Ughhhhhhhh fine  
VRISKA: Don’t think we’ve got much of a choice anyway  
KARKAT: WHY  
KARKAT: EQUIUS IS THAT COOL WITH YOU?

The lanky blueblood has already fallen asleep.

KARKAT: HUH

The self-proclaimed quadrants expert decapthalogues a number of pillows.

KARKAT: GUESS WE’RE STUCK HERE.  
KARKAT: CAN’T SAY I’M DISAPPOINTED.  
VRISKA: I don’t know what kind of mess you’ve managed to drag me into  
KARKAT: ME EITHER.

  


**Author's Note:**

> A great many thanks to TTYIMH for his pesterlog / chatlog formatter, and to canonlytrans for his beta reading / editing for grammar. Without them it would have taken a great deal more effort than I had in me to make this the piece it is. 
> 
> And of course, cheers to vriska4laifu, for her excellent prompts that put me just the right bit outside my comfort zone.


End file.
